The Key to Happiness

And what we learn from resolutions...

Jan 29, 2024

Welcome to Belonging and the Human Experience. I write about belonging, identity, loneliness, health, faith, and community. I’m glad you’re here! (Please make sure you move these to your inbox if you’re viewing via email.)

The Key to Happiness…

Late Fragment

And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.

- Raymond Carver, writer and poet, 1938-1988

Do you have a word (or words) for the year? Resolutions? Intentions?

You guessed it, most have to do with:

Weight
Diet and eating
Exercise
Money

Here’s what the You Gov survey says:1

And this is what Forbes readers report:2

Finally, here’s Statista’s survey results:3

But what is it that we really need or want, in the end?

These things are important, for sure. They’re on my list, too.

But maybe what we desperately want aren’t high on the list.

Such as:

deeper friendships
love
time with friends
knowing and being known

Some of these do show up (spending more time with friends and loved ones) a little bit lower on the lists.
Do we still want them, but not as much?

We desperately 𝒏𝒆𝒆𝒅 them.

Did you get what you want, to call yourself beloved?

Because by the end of the year, only 9% of us will have kept our original resolutions.4

Most of us want to improve. Most of us know there’s something we can do better. That suggests a level of self-awareness. And just because we don't make a resolution it doesn't mean that we lack self-awareness or don't want to improve.

But there is a sense of intentionally when we write something down. Are we more likely to keep it if we write it down? (Yes.)

Is it a sense of eternal hope we all harbor, that maybe, just maybe this time, we might actually do it?

On the first survey I shared above, the second item on the list is “to be happy.”

The next 5 items down the list include: diet, weight, physical and mental health. All worthy goals, for sure. But, will they make us happy?

We want to be happy. But do we know what will take us to that place?

Is it better health? Eating better, losing weight? A different job?

In other words, we could be eating healthy and exercising, maintaining our physical health…but still be unhappy, and still be lonely.

So what leads to happiness?

And why do we choose things that don’t?

If I exercise, I feel good. It’s not only the endorphins, but I also feel good about doing something healthy for myself, and taking care of myself. And that’s a wise and worthy endeavor.

But if I have a healthy body and no social connections, it’s just me at home with my endorphins. And I’m lonely.

Studies over and over suggest that our social relations are a key factor in our happiness. For example, people with 5 or more friends are 60% happier.5

This isn’t new. This 2008 article from the Harvard Gazette reports the same.6

And this report in 2019 reports that social connections are a key factor in happiness.7

Do we truly need all this data to tell us what we already know? The data simply confirms what we already know.

Social connection matters. It matters a great deal. In fact, social connection and loneliness have a direct impact on our health.8

Friendship matters. Not superficial friends, but real, deep, soul friendships. The ones that are the hardest to come by. But these are the ones we need.

I have to be honest. I don’t have a list of resolutions. I’m not even sure about my word for the year yet. I’m still thinking it through. Maybe I will have one, maybe I won’t.

But I do have some intentions. And they look something like this:

Deeper friendships
Intentional connections

This, in the end, is what I want and long for. Deep, soul-rich, mutual friendships with others.

The other things matter, too, and they are important.

But the way to happiness? Maybe this is part of the way.

What’s on your list? Do you have any resolutions, intentions, or a word for the year? Share in the comments and let us know! What do you really want?

Join some great Lunch Circles at the Festival of Faith & Writing

After a canceled event in 2020 and a virtual event in 2022, it’s finally happening, friends!

Writers and readers and literary folk from all around the country will convene from April 11-13 for the Festival of Faith and Writing in Grand Rapids, MI!

I’m so excited to be there, to connect with, hug, and meet new friends in the literary community. If you are a reader or a writer (or want to write), this is an excellent conference with writers, authors, and poets. Publishers will be there, too. The event was canceled in 2020, and then was a smaller event online in 2022, and now, the full festival is back in person.

A super exciting opportunity at the Festival are the Lunch Circles on Friday and Saturday. There are so many fabulous options to join a circle of your interest!

If you are a person of color, there are two circles especially for you:

Writers of Color Embracing our Writer Identities with Patrice Gopo (Circle #23)
Writing and Publishing as Women of Color with Prasanta Verma and Dorena Williamson (Circle #26)

If you are a person of color, we have been curating these spaces especially for you and would love to welcome you. Tell your friends! We would love to see you there! Learn more about the conference here, and feel free to reach out to me with any questions. And if you are planning to come, please drop a comment or send me a message and let me know!

Books releasing by WOC in 2024 that I’m looking forward to

I am so excited about the list of books coming out next year! Here are a few titles of women of color that I’m especially looking forward to. This isn’t an exhaustive list by any means, and I have a list of more and other books I can’t wait to highlight in future newsletters, too. This is a start! All of these books are available for pre-order right now wherever books are sold (Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Bookshop.org, the publishers, your favorite independent bookstores, etc.) Pre-orders help books sales, so if there’s one that looks interesting to you, it’s a great way to support an author! I’m proud to say that the last four titles are friends of mine in the same dynamic women’s writing group.

But What Will People Say by Sahaj Kaur Kohli (May)
Bite by Bite: Nourishments and Jamborees by Aimee Nezhukumatathil (May)
Othered by Jenai Auman (June)
Loving Your Black Neighbor as Yourself by Chanté Griffin (June)
Mamie Takes a Stand: The True Story of Mamie Tape, a Chinese American Girl's Fight for School Rights by Marie Chan (children’s, September)
What Color is God’s Love by Xochitl Dixon (children’s, March)

Preorder Available Now for Beyond Ethnic Loneliness!

My book is available for preorder, too! I unpack what it means to be an ethnic or racial minority, and what it feels like. You can see a table of contents and read a sample chapter here! The book release date is April 16, 2024. Available wherever books are sold.

Amazon Bookshop.org Barnes & Noble InterVarsity Press

More exciting Events and News Coming!!

Stay tuned! I have some exciting events coming up: book launch events, podcasts, articles and more! I can’t wait to share this book and all of these with you!

What questions related to belonging and loneliness are you interested in?

What topics related to belonging, social connection, and loneliness do you want to read about? What questions do you want to explore in community? Let me know! As I plan ahead for topics for the next year, I’d love to know what you’re interested in and what topics we can discuss together.

This year, in addition to your other intentions and goals, think about making an intentional effort to spend quality time with people that matter to you and deepening those relationships. At the end of the year, when we look back, what do we want to say about the way we spent our time and what mattered the most?

Thank you, dear community! I love to hear from you. It would make my day to see a comment here from you. If this newsletter inspires or encourages you, please feel free to comment, share, or restack it.

Make it a lovely one,