Merry Christmas 2023!

loneliness and the holidays

Welcome to Belonging and the Human Experience. I write about belonging, identity, loneliness, culture, migration, faith, race, and community. I’m glad you’re here! (Please make sure you move these to your inbox if you’re viewing via email.)

Dear friends,

How does this holiday find you? Perhaps you are traveling and visiting family. Perhaps you are staying home and visitors are coming to you—or maybe you are on your own this holiday. I know some of us are dealing with illness. Maybe the holidays hold difficult reminders for you. Perhaps you are experiencing something big and wonderful this holiday season. (If so, would you please share and let us be happy with you?!)

Loneliness and the Holidays

One of the things I appreciate about holidays such as Thanksgiving, Christmas, or Easter is that it typically brings families together. These are often occasions when we make time to see family members (or friends). Perhaps these are the only occasions when some folks can do so (or choose to do so). In a society (American) where many of us end up living far from family, a more transient culture, our family gatherings are likely few and far between.

Growing up in an immigrant family, it was just my immediate family together for most holidays. We celebrated Thanksgiving, Christmas, and other holidays often by ourselves. Now, I have children of my own, and my children do have grandparents they can visit and see more often, and cousins, too, which was not the case for me while growing up. In my naive childhood way, I assumed, when I was growing up, that my siblings and I would live near each other enough to allow cousins to see each other and get close, but we all ended up living hundreds of miles apart. I thought my kids would have the opportunity to be near grandparents, something I never experienced. I only met my grandparents once or twice in my entire lifetime. So while my children did get to see one set of grandparents at least once or twice a year, it wasn’t truly what I had imagined it would be, since we lived 800-900 miles apart.

So interestingly, in a way, we ended up in similar circumstances as my immigrant childhood, with hardly seeing family very often. But, the way of life my parents grew up with in a small village in India, surrounded by grandparents, uncles, aunts, etc., is a way of life less and less common in the global north and developed world.

And that’s one of the reasons I appreciate our holiday traditions, and especially Christmas. At least so far, it’s a tradition that emphasizes family gatherings. It’s a time set aside for making memories, for strengthening family bonds. I know it isn’t rosy, and it can be difficult. Show me a family without its share of dysfunction and relationship challenges! But we learn to walk through what’s hard (unless, of course, it’s toxic and unsafe). We don’t run just because it’s hard—because, frankly, so much of life is hard. And let’s be honest, relationships are hard.

With so many families gathering, however, those who are alone can feel all the more alone. We live in a lonely era. I’m not saying there weren’t other lonely eras. But in the developed world, we don’t “need” each other anymore. We’re pretty self-sufficient and self-contained, in the sense we can shop for food (we don’t farm or grow our own or need a “community” to help us with our land and animals), we can drive ourselves to work (or take public transportation), and we can entertain ourselves at home with video streaming and gaming devices. We have phones with texting and email and instant messaging and food can be delivered to our front door, so we can avoid physically seeing another live human being if we so desire.

Regular time spent in solitude, of course, is a healthy habit to include in our lives. But loneliness is different. Loneliness is a lack of meaningful connection, with family or otherwise, and this is what we’re lacking. With a dearth of meaningful connections, our family gatherings are all the more necessary—as long as time is spent in meaningful dialogue and engagement in fruitful conversation.

Fruitful conversation is one in which there is a mutual give and take, with both sides asking questions, and mutual interest and curiosity. And I’m sorry to say, this is sorely lacking, too. I have a large number of conversations with people who only talk about themselves and never (or rarely) ask about me questions in return. And that makes me feel lonely sometimes. The person who does ask is increasingly rare. This is quite concerning. I was discussing this with an expert on relationships sometime this past year. I asked her why it seemed so many folks around me and in general, or those I was coming in contact with, were narcissists. Was it happening more often or did I just not notice it before? Perhaps, she said, our society is producing them.

Well, that gave me some food for thought. Our society is producing them? After I thought about it, I had to concur. Our society is geared toward building up ourselves. Self-care, which is crucial and necessary, has gone to new heights to the point we have forgotten that our neighbors and friends and family are also in need of care. The problem is that people just don’t care. We suffer from apathy. We believe in the self-made career professional, the individual climbing the ladder to success.

Further, we’ve designed spaces intended for privacy and solitude—the American dream—the stand-alone house and yard—all the while displaying curated snippets of our lives online to show others, “Hey look! We’re happy! We’re good people!” But the truth is it’s not all true. The photos of happy faces don’t reveal the truth about the inner state of loneliness. In fact, all of this selfie posting and posting about our lives—doesn’t it sort of feed the narcissism engine? Don’t get me wrong—I’m on social media, and I freely admit I’m a cog contributing to the machine, too. It’s been a great way to stay connected to other people. But it’s not a substitute for it. And it shouldn’t be all about us. It’s another place where we can see vindictiveness, selfishness, bullying, and narcissism.

This kind of loneliness is more dangerous than cigarette smoking. It kills.

Most people want to talk about themselves, we know this is true. It’s important to allow time for others to share and to ask them good questions. But a healthy conversation and relationship requires mutual responses and give and take. Moreover, such healthy, mutual relationships take time. They require intentionality. They require a commitment. If we do not make time, we cannot develop our friendships into levels deep and personal enough to be satisfying, where we are known. And we know that time is one hot commodity, one that we have very little of to spare.

But this is what we most need in our lonely world! We need time to spend with each other. We need, we crave this kind of belonging. We are ravenous for it. We are actually dying because of it.

I try not to be stung when those around me who I expect to ask me questions about myself don’t do so. I’m learning how to manage my expectations, how to manage my responses. If you know folks who fly off the handle easily, who make (mistaken) assumptions, and jump to conclusions (maybe we know the same people??) maybe like me, you don’t like being treated that way, and strive, as I do, not to treat others that way. I have to believe that most people are making an effort. It’s clear some are not. But, in fact, when we get out and meet and talk to people, we find out how many people want the same things as we do. And in so doing, we find we attract healthy people also who are seeking mutual relationships.

The holiday season can be utterly lonely even among throngs of people. But here is where we can do something about it. We can make choices. We can choose quality over quantity. We can choose to go deeper with one or two people instead of maintaining a shallower existence with a larger group of people. We can choose to be vulnerable, transparent, let our guard down. We can choose to love, to be the first to reach out, instead of waiting for the other person. Perhaps they are waiting for us?

Remember this during the holiday season, no matter where you find yourself:

You haven’t yet met all the people who will love you.

That has encouraged me, time and time again, and I hope it encourages you, too.

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Christmas Cookies

My kids did all the cookie baking this year! Normally, I join in too, but I’ve been running a mile a minute since before Thanksgiving. I had typeset page proofs due, company for Thanksgiving, and then went out of town for a week to help my parents downsize right after Thanksgiving. We filled up a huge UHaul truck and drove it back over 800 miles and when I came back to my house, it was nonstop action unloading, moving things around our house, getting rid of old and worn out things, and making space for some of my mother’s things. Now I have company from India for ten days, along with my parents visiting. One of my sons was also supposed to have surgery, but we found out at the very last minute that insurance had denied coverage. That’s all just been in the last few weeks. Friends, I can’t remember when I have been this tired! I had no time for exercise, but went to bed for days with literally my legs aching and my body and mind exhausted from so many things going on and being pulled in many directions. But I see a light at the end of the tunnel—there should be time for rest after the holidays and I can catch up on sleep. Maybe. I think. I believe it may slow a little.

Here are the delicious cookies! Lemon rosemary cutouts topped with pistachios, pomegranate seeds, and dried strawberries; Mexican hot chocolate cookies with marshmallows and a hint of cayenne; and Molasses spice cookies, one of my favorites. They are all delicious! What is your favorite cookie to bake at this time of year?

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To be honest…

In past years, I’ve written Advent devotionals to send out the four weeks preceding Christmas. I didn’t get around to that this year, but that has been a practice near and dear to me for some years now. This year, I’ve had other projects to focus on (hello, book!) and so much happening in life.

As I’ve been going through some deconstruction, my usual things are looking a bit more different. What that really means is that, for me, it’s getting more real and more authentic. That means I’m turning away from rhetoric and platitudes and churchy talk. It means being real. It means running far, far away from legalism and Pharisaical attitudes.

It’s hard to be in this space, to be honest. It feels like finding footholds in the dark while climbing a mountain. But, I’m not afraid. I’m stepping into these questions, not running away from them.

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A Christmas Drawing

As my Christmas gift to you, I want to share with you a drawing I made years ago that is very special to me:

Many years ago, my parents received a small set of Christmas cards in the mail (as a fundraiser) with pencil drawings on the front of the card and blank inside. On the inside of the card was a short note explaining that each card had been drawn by individuals with disabilities. I looked through the cards, and since I particularly liked this one, I thought I’d try to draw it myself. I took an 8×11 piece of paper, a pencil, and finished this in about 1-2 hours. It is especially meaningful to me, because on the inside of this card was a note explaining more detail about this particular drawing. It was drawn by an individual holding a pencil in his mouth, and it took him a painstaking 2-3 months to finish this drawing. Here I was, with fully functional hands, and it took me much less time with not as much effort. I remember how humbling that was, and it made me mindful to be thankful for working hands. Indeed, how much we take for granted! I can use my hands! I can walk! I can talk and see! These are truly miracles.

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A Publishers Weekly Review!

May I share some good news with you? A few weeks ago my editor emailed me to let me know that Publishers Weekly had reviewed by book! I was flabbergasted. Here is a link to that amazing review! And, the book is available for PREORDER now! I’d be honored if you’d consider preordering a copy for yourself or for a friend. Preorders matter a lot, so I’m told. The book is available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Bookshop.org, InterVarsity Press, or wherever books are sold. Release date is April 16, 2024.

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On Social Media

I saw this on social media, and thought it was amusing! Thought you’d enjoy it, too. If you don’t know what to get me for Christmas, a book will do just fine! What’s a gift that you always appreciate?

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Dear friends, it’s been a hard year, but it’s also been a good year. I’ve had some trials, but I’ve experienced some beautiful things, too, like this book and having a couple of close friends in my life. That makes all of the hard things a little less hard. As you unwrap gifts this morning, and as you close out this year, celebrating the meaning and joy of Christmas, don’t forget to spend some time in thoughtful contemplation about the year ahead and to make time to dream. Spend quality time with people that matter to you. And remember this: you haven’t yet met all the people who will love you.

Make it a lovely one,