We All Need to Heal

Feb 13, 2023

Having trouble viewing this? Click here to view this email in your browser
If someone forwarded this to you, and you want to subscribe, please click here. If you found me via the 30 Prayers Ebook, keep reading to learn more!

Beauty Abounds
February 13, 2022

We All Want to Heal

Dear ,

Hello faithful reader!

If you’re new around here, you probably found me through the 30 Prayers For When You Feel Lonely and Left Out Ebook which you signed up via Facebook or my website. I write about belonging, identity, loneliness, culture, faith, reclaiming your ethnic identity, and finding beauty in this broken yet beautiful world.

In this newsletter, I’ll share:
- Manuscript News - my book on ethnic loneliness, belonging, and reclaiming our ethnic identity
- Overcoming Father Wounds - highlighting author Kia Stephens and her new book!
- Books Read in 2022 and my top reads
- Black History Month recommended reads

The manuscript—all printed out!!

Manuscript News! Healing our Ethnic and Racial Identity

,

If you’ve been around for a while, you might remember I’ve been working on a manuscript for on ethnic loneliness, belonging, and reclaiming our ethnic identity.

Well, the good news is I turned in the manuscript! It was a lot of good, hard work. : )

Most of us have tender places where we need to heal from our past and our hurts. We may have places where we are struggling with belonging and identity. My hope is that this book will help you heal in those places, specifically in ethnic loneliness, identity, and belonging.

Soon, I’ll have edits and revisions on that manuscript. In the meantime, I’m doing some other writing, including the monthly writing I do for The Mudroom. Thank you for following along this journey and supporting me!

3 Reasons Women Need to Talk About Father Wounds - Highlighting Author Kia Stephens and Her New Book!

Friends, I’m excited to welcome Kia Stephens to my newsletter. She has a new book coming out, Overcoming Father Wounds:Exchanging Your Pain For God’s Perfect Love, on March 7. Kia shares below why we need to talk about healing those wounds.

*****

3 Reasons Women Need to Talk About Father Wounds
By Kia Stephens

My announcement triggered women to speak words they’d been waiting to say. “I’m going to write a blog for women who grew up without their fathers,” I said. Instantly, their body language responded before their mouths ever did.

Whether I was in the salon, on a playdate with my kids, or at work, women had something to say about their father daughter relationships (or lack thereof). Without hesitation they spoke, recounting memories and words (often painful) of their biological fathers.

“I just met my dad two weeks ago.”

“I don’t know who my father is.”

“My daddy was an alcoholic.”

“I heard my father call my mother a heifer.”

“My dad introduced me as his boy.”

Unfortunately, their experiences tilted the scale towards the negative, thus confirming the need for a conversation. Whether fatherless because of a physically or emotionally absent dad, women carry a wound that demands attention. I know this first hand and have spent more than a decade addressing this issue in my own life. What I found can be summed up in 3 reasons why we need to talk about being fatherless.

Reason 1: Our Formative Years Impact Our Behavior

Behavior is shaped by the relationships, events, and experiences of our beginning years. To ignore these imprints would be like pretending we magically dropped on the planet when we turned 18. We may not want to admit it, but in many cases those influences (good or bad) consciously and subconsciously shape who we are. For this reason the behavior of a woman who grew up fatherless is dramatically impacted in many areas of her life.

In his book, Always a Daddy’s Girl, H. Norman Wright had the following to say about the initial relationship between a father and a daughter.

“Your relationship with your father was your critical interaction with the masculine gender. He was the first man whose attention you wanted to gain. He was the first man you flirted with, the first man to cuddle you and kiss you the first man to prize you as a very special girl among all other girls. All of these experiences with your father were vital to him and all other men: your femininity. The fawning attention of a father for his daughter prepares her for her uniquely feminine role as a girlfriend, fiance and wife.”

So if the dad is missing, and there is no stand-in father figure, the daughter is left to fill that void on her own. I did. Is there no wonder a parade of talk shows have milked the subject directly and indirectly since the 90s?

From Geraldo to Oprah, they all too predictably end with a made for TV bow on top that barely scratches the surface. The obvious reality is that one hour minus commercial breaks is not enough time to deal with this deep wound. It has taken me years and I remain dependent on the One who can heal me daily.

As women who grew up lacking the tangible love of our fathers we must be willing to:

● Admit we have an ache.

● Give ourselves permission to grieve what we did not experience.

● Identify the lies we told ourselves in the process.

● Replace the lies with truth.

● Choose a lifestyle of forgiveness.

● Embrace an abundant relationship with our heavenly father.

If we choose not to, the effects can be devastating. Our woundedness can infiltrate every area of our life and repeat itself in our children.

Reason 2: History Can Repeat Itself

I became a fatherless daughter as the result of divorce and that seed had fertile ground to flourish in my early years of marriage. Both of us were fatherless and did not grow up with models of what marriage should look like. Needless to say, we jumped the broom and our wounded souls joined in holy matrimony right along with our bodies.

Honestly, outside of God there is no logical reason we should be on the other side of a 13-year marriage. Even though God uniquely fashioned a Jesus-Fix-My-Life-Intervention-Program prior to us saying I do, there were many blind spots I did not notice until I was swimming in the deep end of the pool. In hindsight, I wish I had taken the steps below before I got hitched:

● Keenly identify the needs that went unmet in my childhood.

● Practice going to God to get those needs met.

● Recognize and believe wholeheartedly that God defines me.

● Allow God’s word to make me whole and complete first.

If you’re like me and these words are too late to implement prior to marriage, start where you are. But if you are unmarried, with the desire to be married some day, TAKE HEED! Let this article be like a pesky fly on your favorite meal. Stop - don’t dive into a relationship, and definitely not marriage, until you do the above steps.

Reason 3: There is a Solution

If you knew the cure for cancer would you keep it to yourself? Would you remain silent as family members and friends received their life-altering diagnosis? Of course you wouldn't. I believe you would tell anyone who would listen in an effort to save lives.

Fatherlessness is not cancer, but there are parallels between the disease and what has become an epidemic. It starts small; some traumatic event occurs - like divorce, teenage pregnancy, death, or incarceration. And then it spreads. Subtly and gradually over time, infecting the adult lives of the children who experienced it.

I was one of those children. But God has taken this broken, needy, fatherless girl with a low self-esteem and is making me whole. I struggled for years in my youth and my adult life and God has met me in a way I did not know was possible.

God alone is the healing balm for the wound, wholeness for the broken, and abundance for the lack in the life of a fatherless daughter. He is the answer to the ache in your soul and He can and will fill it.

This adoption is not just for the select few. It is available for every unfathered girl turned woman who has ever longed to be adored by her father. Just as it says in, 1 John 3:1 (NIV) “See what great love the father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!”

Read more about author Kia Stephens
Win a free copy of her new book in the Goodreads giveaway
Take the Father Wounds Quiz here
Pre-order Overcoming Father Wounds from Amazon

We all want to heal. We all need to heal from something.

Perhaps you need to heal from childhood wounds or trauma. Perhaps you need healing in your ethnic and racial identity. Perhaps you have father wounds. Or mother wounds. Or friend wounds. Perhaps you are saddled with grief, or loneliness. We all need to heal from something.

What is the next step for you, in your healing journey? I hope it helps you to know you are not alone. Maybe you can take one of Kia’s suggestions above as a starting point to heal, friend. You can take the next step in your journey to healing and wholeness and in knowing God loves you.

Books Read in 2022

I pushed myself to read a lot last year! 72 books was the most I’ve read in a year. I read more to do some research, and for fun, too. Here’s the list, and I share some of my favorites below.

Fiction
The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan
A Man Called Ove by Fredrik Backman
The Secret Keeper of Jaipur by Alka Joshi
The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri
Sugar Birds by Cheryl Grey Bostrom
A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini
The Midnight Library by Matt Haig
The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster
The Forgotten Life of Eva Gordon by Linda MacKillop
One Hundred Years of Lenni and Margot by Marianne Cronin

Nonfiction
A Hidden Wholeness by Parker Palmer
Being Mortal by Atul Gawande
The Anthropocene Reviewed by John Green
Life Together by Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Beyond Welcome by Karen Gonzalez
Start with Hello by Shannan Martin
The Deeply Formed Life by Rich Villodas
Writer Better by Andrew Le Peau
The God Who Sees by Karen Gonzalez
Abuelita Faith by Kat Armas
Raise Your Voice by Kathy Khang
Inalienable by Constanzo, et al
Saving Grace by Kirsten Powers
Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert
The Making of Asian America by Erika Lee
The Minority Experience by Adrian Pei
Learning Our Names by Chan, Daniel, De Leon, Thao
The Book of Delights by Ross Gay
Love Without Limits by Jacqueline Bussie
The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot
Jesus and John Wayne by Kristin Kobes du Mez
My Grandmother’s Hands by Resmaa Menakem
Atomic Habits by James Clear
The Artists Way by Julia Cameron
The Soul of Desire by Curt Thompson
Contemplating Christmas by Abby Ball
The Hidden Life of Trees by Peter Wohlleben
The Lonely American by Olds, Schwartz
Tribe by Sebastian Junger
We too Sing America by Deepa Iyer
The Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd
Brown Girls Epiphany by Aurelia Davila Pratt
A Biography of Loneliness by Fay Bound Alberti
Love’s Long Line by Sophfronia Scott
When We Belong by Rohadi Nagassar
The Life We’re Looking For by Andy Crouch
The Lonely City by Olivia Laing
Belonging by Geoffrey L. Cohen
Heaven and Nature Sing by Hannah Anderson
Surprised by Joy by C.S. Lewis
Wearing God by Lauren Winner
Liturgy of the Ordinary by Tish Harrison Warren
What Are You Going Through by Sigrid Nunez
The Pain We Carry by Natalie Y. Gutierrez
The Wild Edge of Sorrow by Francis Weller
All About Love by bell hooks
My Life Growing Up Asian in America by CAPE
Savage Gods by Paul Kingsnorth
Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown

Memoir
I Take My Coffee Black by Tyler Merritt
The Ungrateful Refugee by Dina Nayeri
Go Back to Where You Came From by Wajahat Ali
See No Stranger by Valarie Kaur
Born a Crime by Trevor Noah
Crying in H Mart by Michelle Zauner
The Invisible Kingdom by Meghan O’Rourke
A Long Way Home by Saroo Brierley
The Secret Life of Dorothy Soames
I’m Still Here by Austin Channing Brown
A Sojourner’s Truth by Natasha Sistrunk Robinson
This Here Flesh by Cole Arthur Riley

*****
Which were my favorites? Well, that’s a hard task, because there are many excellent books on this list. But, there are a few I’d like to highlight.

From the fiction list:

I read A Man Called Ove for the first time, though this book has been around for a while already, and it was outstanding. Beautiful story, and very well written. A movie was just released (A Man Called Otto, starring Tom Hanks), which I haven’t seen yet.
The Namesake was a re-read after a number of years, by one of my favorite authors, Jhumpa Lahiri. I highly recommend her books if you haven’t read anything of hers yet.
A Thousand Splendid Suns is excellent, but it is hard and heavy. Yet, I think it’s an important read, and a beautiful, well-written novel.

In Nonfiction, there was much rich material. Here are a few of my favorites:

Being Mortal is required reading, I feel, for all of us on aging, the elderly, and how we can do better—and practical, too. I bought three used copies to give away. It’s one of the best books I’ve read all year. Highly recommend.
The Making of Asian America is excellent, and history that I never received in school. This is the story of how different Asian groups came to America. Well worth reading and so important for us to know our history. It’s fascinating, and full of stories.
The Life We’re Looking For is a thoughtful read about our desire for connection.
The Artists Way was a re-read; and if you haven’t read it, it’s worth it. Some creatives I know read this every year, every other year, or regularly.
Start With Hello is an excellent guide on how can we love our neighbor, with practical ideas.

I love good memoir. Here are some standouts from the list.

The Invisible Kingdom by Meghan O’Rourke, editor of The Yale Review, is one of the best books I’ve read this year, about chronic illness—and an important read. I learned a great deal, and I suspect most readers will. She eloquently describes what it is like to have a chronic illness, and the challenges
I Take My Coffee Black by Tyler Merritt was funny and very, very good—it took me by surprise.
See No Stranger by Valarie Kaur is part memoir and part call to action, to see one another with curiosity and wonder; the author is a human rights lawyer, activist, and speaker. I enjoyed it.
This Here Flesh by Cole Arthur Riley is a beautifully written memoir.
The Ungrateful Refugee was interesting, fascinating, and written by the sibling of Daniel Nayeri, who wrote Everything Sad is Untrue, one of the best books I’ve ever read.
I’m Still Here by Austin Channing Brown is an excellent book about a black woman’s experience.
A Sojourner’s Truth by Natasha Sistrunk Robinson is another memoir that I highly recommend.

I’ve read 9 books so far in 2023. What are you reading right now? I’d really love to know!

Black History Month - Recommended Books

Below are some books that I recommend for Black History Month.

Memoir:
I’m Still Here by Austin Channing Brown
A Sojourner’s Truth by Natasha Sistrunk Robinson
This Here Flesh by Cole Arthur Riley
I Take My Coffee Black by Tyler Merritt
Born a Crime by Trevor Noah
Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates
They Poured Fire on Us Form the Sky by Deng, Deng, and Ajak
Brown Girl Dreaming by Jacqueline Woodson

Nonfiction:
The Color of Compromise by Jemar Tisby
The Warmth of Other Suns by Isabel Wilkerson
Caste by Isabel Wilkerson
Healing Racial Trauma by Sheila Wise Rowe
I Bring the Voices of My People by Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barnes
My Grandmother’s Hands by Resmaa Menakem
Be the Bridge by LaTasha Morrison

Fiction:
Sing, Unburied Sing by Jesmyn Ward
Homegoing by Yaa Gayasi
Cry the Beloved Country by Alan Paton
Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe
Books by Maya Angelou
Books by Toni Morrison

Children:
Brown Baby Jesus by Dorena Williamson
The Celebration Place by Dorena Williamson
Josey Johnson’s Hair and the Holy Spirit by Esau McCaulley

What I’m reading this month for Black History Month:

-I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
-Beloved by Toni Morrison
-Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston
-Finding Me by Viola Davis
-Touch the Earth by Drew Jackson (poetry)
-Poetry by Langston Hughes

I encourage you to read 1-2 books for Black History month. Do you have something on your list? What’s on your list? Please share! If not, pick something from the list above! Which ones will you choose?

,

Thank you for being here, dear reader. Your presence is a gift. If this is your first newsletter from me, you probably subscribed from my website, signed up for the free 30 Prayers ebook, my Chai Recipe, When I Write booklet, or another giveaway. I’m so thankful you’re here.

I write about belonging, identity, culture, faith, race, cultural intelligence, and loneliness. You are welcome to share this newsletter with a friend or anyone you think would enjoy reading. (Make sure you check your spam folder and move this email to your inbox.)

And, I love to hear from you. It makes it feel like we’re having a conversation and my words aren’t ending in cyberspace. If there’s a topic you’d like me to cover, do let me know.

Until next time, remember beauty abounds, even amidst the brokenness.

Make it a lovely one,
Prasanta

Visit my website!

Let’s Connect on Social Media

Belonging and the Human Experience

Discussion about this post